I need to collect my thoughts around why I think I might secretly be a dude, so here goes:
Reasons why I think I might be transmasculine:
1. I have never felt like a girl
Even as a kid, I mostly played with boys and didn't have the same interests as the other girls. I often had short hair, and were sometimes mistaken for a boy, which I found hilarious.
Like I mentioned in my previous post, I've always felt like I was acting when I put on dresses or skirts. I felt uncomfortable and on display, and frankly unnatural.
I feel like a straight cis man who wakes up after a party, only to discover his shitty friends have taken all his clothes and left him nothing but a dress, and now he has to walk through town and take a bus wearing that dress. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you know what I mean)
2. I've always fantasized about what it would be like to be a man
When I was younger, I'd sing to myself when I was alone and think "If I was a man, I would be able to sing this song so much better".
When I was 4, I told my father and uncle that when I grew up, I'd want to be like them, beer bellies and a peener so I could pee standing up. They laughed and said that would happen in time, so for months I thought I'd turn into a boy when I grew up, and was happy with that.
Even when finding a partner, I have several times imagined how much easier it would be if I was male.
3. I don't want these bodyparts.
I'm mostly attracted to femininely presenting people, but on myself, the bodyparts disgust me. I have never felt comfortable having breasts, and don't get me started on the nether region. I feel like every time someone comments on my breasts (which happens more often than you think, because they are quite large), they remind me I'm biologically female, and that makes me sad and uncomfortable.
I've been watching youtube videos of transmen documenting their transitions, with upper and lower surgeries, and I've come to realise I want all that. I want a flat chest. I want a peener.
I don't want any part in being female any longer!
4. He/him pronouns suit me
In some forums and discord servers, I go by he/him pronouns and the name Miika. It makes me happy when people use those terms to adress me, it feels right.
When I hang out with guy friends, someone inevitably goes on a rant about girls. The room goes quiet, they all look at me, and then one of them goes "We don't mean you, you're basically one of the guys!" and that makes me happy.
My birthname and pronouns makes me sad
When someone adresses me as "she/her" or uses my birthname, it feels wrong and makes me sad. Use my birthname enough times, and it'll actually trigger mild psychosis for me (I have schizophrenia).
I'm not out at work, so I play the role of cis woman when I'm there. In our group chat, my supervisor tagged me and two dudes and went "GUYS can someone please take the chat?" and some asshat HAD to comment "Miika is not a guy lol", and I wanted to correct him so badly.
Writing this blogpost has been very enlightening for me, and I think I've gotten closer to finding an asnwer.
I guess now all I gotta do is save up a shitton of money and then, in a few years, move back to scandinavia so I can have the necessary surgeries and treatments to transition. If I still want it by then.
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