Guy, gal, or non-binary pal?

I have always felt out of sorts. As a child and young teen I was often mistaken for a boy, and one teacher's solution to lessen the bullying towards me was actually that I should stop looking like a boy.

I have never quite felt like I fit the gender I was born with. I tried, many times, but I always felt like I was playing a part not quite right for me. And let me tell you, I'm a terrible actor.
Every time I wore a skirt or a dress, it felt completely wrong.

At the moment, it is 3AM here, and I need to get some thoughts out.

A few months ago, I came out to my family as nonbinary after realising what I've actually known for quite some time: I am not a girl, nor do I want to be seen as one.

I've been researching the whole trans thing, and looking at youtubes and blogs of people who have transitioned; and the more I've been doing so, the more I've come to realise I want that too.

I feel like maybe I want to be a man. Maybe I am actually, on the inside, a man.
But do I want to be a man because I'm transmasculine, or because man equals not woman?

I suppose that is the big question, and what this blog here is designed to help me figure out.
I need a place to put my thoughts as they race through my head, and I need a place to document my (slow) steps when it comes to transitioning and coming out.

I've taken a few steps so far.
 I've set my pronouns to he/him in various discord channels, and posted selfies of me looking masculine.
 I also cut my hair quite short a few months ago, and plan on buzzing it all off when the hairdressers open after the corona-lockdown ends. Which in my country would be sometime next week.

I've also, as I mentioned, come out to family members and a few selected friends, as well as random people and friends on the internet.
Everything is easier when you're behind a screen and won't have to look people in the eyes as you tell them, am I right?

I feel like I jumped the gun by coming out as non-binary when I am actually starting to lean more and more towards transmasculine. I guess I'll have to re-exit the closet once I figure out if that's what I want.
I suppose I felt it was an easier pill to swallow, for others as well as myself.

I don't want to be different. I don't want to be singled out. I just want to feel like my outside matches my inside.