Why I'm leaning more towards being a dude

I need to collect my thoughts around why I think I might secretly be a dude, so here goes:

Reasons why I think I might be transmasculine:

1. I have never felt like a girl
Even as a kid, I mostly played with boys and didn't have the same interests as the other girls. I often had short hair, and were sometimes mistaken for a boy, which I found hilarious.
Like I mentioned in my previous post, I've always felt like I was acting when I put on dresses or skirts. I felt uncomfortable and on display, and frankly unnatural.
I feel like a straight cis man who wakes up after a party, only to discover his shitty friends have taken all his clothes and left him nothing but a dress, and now he has to walk through town and take a bus wearing that dress. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you know what I mean)

2. I've always fantasized about what it would be like to be a man
When I was younger, I'd sing to myself when I was alone and think "If I was a man, I would be able to sing this song so much better".
When I was 4, I told my father and uncle that when I grew up, I'd want to be like them, beer bellies and a peener so I could pee standing up. They laughed and said that would happen in time, so for months I thought I'd turn into a boy when I grew up, and was happy with that.
Even when finding a partner, I have several times imagined how much easier it would be if I was male.

3. I don't want these bodyparts.
I'm mostly attracted to femininely presenting people, but on myself, the bodyparts disgust me. I have never felt comfortable having breasts, and don't get me started on the nether region. I feel like every time someone comments on my breasts (which happens more often than you think, because they are quite large), they remind me I'm biologically female, and that makes me sad and uncomfortable.
I've been watching youtube videos of transmen documenting their transitions, with upper and lower surgeries, and I've come to realise I want all that. I want a flat chest. I want a peener.
I don't want any part in being female any longer!

4. He/him pronouns suit me
In some forums and discord servers, I go by he/him pronouns and the name Miika. It makes me happy when people use those terms to adress me, it feels right.
When I hang out with guy friends, someone inevitably goes on a rant about girls. The room goes quiet, they all look at me, and then one of them goes "We don't mean you, you're basically one of the guys!" and that makes me happy.

My birthname and pronouns makes me sad
When someone adresses me as "she/her" or uses my birthname, it feels wrong and makes me sad. Use my birthname enough times, and it'll actually trigger mild psychosis for me (I have schizophrenia).
I'm not out at work, so I play the role of cis woman when I'm there. In our group chat, my supervisor tagged me and two dudes and went "GUYS can someone please take the chat?" and some asshat HAD to comment "Miika is not a guy lol", and I wanted to correct him so badly.


Writing this blogpost has been very enlightening for me, and I think I've gotten closer to finding an asnwer.
I guess now all I gotta do is save up a shitton of money and then, in a few years, move back to scandinavia so I can have the necessary surgeries and treatments to transition. If I still want it by then.

Guy, gal, or non-binary pal?

I have always felt out of sorts. As a child and young teen I was often mistaken for a boy, and one teacher's solution to lessen the bullying towards me was actually that I should stop looking like a boy.

I have never quite felt like I fit the gender I was born with. I tried, many times, but I always felt like I was playing a part not quite right for me. And let me tell you, I'm a terrible actor.
Every time I wore a skirt or a dress, it felt completely wrong.

At the moment, it is 3AM here, and I need to get some thoughts out.

A few months ago, I came out to my family as nonbinary after realising what I've actually known for quite some time: I am not a girl, nor do I want to be seen as one.

I've been researching the whole trans thing, and looking at youtubes and blogs of people who have transitioned; and the more I've been doing so, the more I've come to realise I want that too.

I feel like maybe I want to be a man. Maybe I am actually, on the inside, a man.
But do I want to be a man because I'm transmasculine, or because man equals not woman?

I suppose that is the big question, and what this blog here is designed to help me figure out.
I need a place to put my thoughts as they race through my head, and I need a place to document my (slow) steps when it comes to transitioning and coming out.

I've taken a few steps so far.
 I've set my pronouns to he/him in various discord channels, and posted selfies of me looking masculine.
 I also cut my hair quite short a few months ago, and plan on buzzing it all off when the hairdressers open after the corona-lockdown ends. Which in my country would be sometime next week.

I've also, as I mentioned, come out to family members and a few selected friends, as well as random people and friends on the internet.
Everything is easier when you're behind a screen and won't have to look people in the eyes as you tell them, am I right?

I feel like I jumped the gun by coming out as non-binary when I am actually starting to lean more and more towards transmasculine. I guess I'll have to re-exit the closet once I figure out if that's what I want.
I suppose I felt it was an easier pill to swallow, for others as well as myself.

I don't want to be different. I don't want to be singled out. I just want to feel like my outside matches my inside.